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 No Party Too Far 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

Part 14

Part 15

Part 16

Part 17



No Party Too Far -- Part 11

No Party Too Far -- Part 11

Trying to taste the difference
'tween the lemon and lime;
The pain and the pleasure,
As the church bells softly chime.

And I've got one, two, three, four, five;
Senses working overtime...

Wake up call at 5:45, breakfast at 6:30.  Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!  We didn't get back to our room until after 1 AM last night, and Sip can't take no for an answer.  She really is going to kill me!  I'm not kidding!!  These are my heart attack years!!!

While I was showering, I heard Sip's voice from the other room saying, "Are you reary?  I'm reary!  Ret's go!"  A moment or two later I heard the same thing again.  What is going on out there?  It turned out that Sip had figured out what rooms Antman and MikeM33607 were staying in, and thought it was a good idea to give them wake-up calls.  I don't know what they thought about it, but I just about bust a gut when I realized what was going on.  For the rest of our time together, Sip would be the official wake-up girl of our little group!

We ate breakfast, went back to the room to brush our teeth, and then met again in the lobby.  The bus was scheduled to pick up up at 7:20.  We didn't want to miss it, so we got to the lobby a little earlier.

While waiting in the lobby, how nice it was to receive a call from the office.  It so makes one feel wanted...  I always leave my itinerary and contact numbers so colleagues can call me if an emergency comes up, but I ended up responding to this call with a "Did you read the fookin' manual?"  I wasn't happy about the call but if there's one place on earth that can chase thoughts of work away -- it's Thailand.

This time we were picked up in a minibus.  Instead of going all the way to the boat dock in Phang Nga, we were being taken to the boat lagoon on the east side of the island.  That's great!  We got to see some parts of the island we hadn't seen before.  

On the way we talked a little about the best place to sit on the boat.  Sitting in the front is cool because there are some great views, but it also can be pretty rough because of the way the boat can ride up a swell and slam down into a trough.  These aren't small boats, either.  They are 30+ passenger speedboats.  So our plan is to try and get up in the front of the boat.

The boat lagoon is pretty big; there are scores of speedboats and sailboats there, and even some quite large yachts.  The minibus worked it's way through the grounds and pulled up in front of a garden way in the back of the complex.  We got out of the minibus and were lead to a row of 10 or so massage huts near the water.  Seeing each massage hut had a mattress, I made a bee-line for one and got comfortable.  With any luck there were 40 winks to grab, but not for me.  Before long other minibuses started pulling up, and the massage huts are getting crowded.

The tour guide stepped in front of the group and asked all the Americans to go to the dock.  That's weird...  Antman, MikeM33607, Sip, and I were the only ones that went over.  The tour guide joined us, and gave us the Thailand Loves Americans spiel -- unbelievable.  After the spiel he ushered us onto the boat.  Cool...  We're the first ones in and get the seats up front!  The Force is with us again...  We were warned that the seats up front could get bumpy, but we figured it was better to give it a shot than to give up the front row seats and go sit in the back.

Slowly but surely our tour-mates joined us on the boat, and we shoved off.  Our speedboat left the lagoon at a modest speed but as it wound its way through the mangroves, it sped up as the waterway widened.  The water was protected from rough seas for the first few miles, and the ride felt like we were cruising on glass.  But it's about 40 miles from the boat lagoon to the Phi-Phi Islands, and soon we out in some serious water.  It wasn't the roughest water I've ever been on, but the boat was going the fastest I've ever been going on rough water.  We got slammed in our seats a few times, but it wasn't so bad we considered moving to the back.  I told Antman that things would be a lot better when we got to the island, but they were going to get a lot worse first.

The view of Phi-Phi Lei appearing through the fog made me wonder if that's what the first view of land might have looked like to ancient explorers.  

100 yards or so away from the mouth of the Maya Beach lagoon, our pilot reduced the engines to idle.  We all marveled at the beauty of the lagoon, and at the color of the water as we inched our way into the lagoon and toward the shore.  The water was much more clear than I remembered it.  I wondered it that was because people were taking better care of the park, or it just hadn't rained recently.  One could stand up in the boat and see 5 different shades of blue; it was spectacular!

The boat pulled up close to shore, and two handlers jumped out to steady the boat as the passengers climbed down to wade to shore.  We were given 30 minutes or so which was a good amount of time to some exploring on this small island.  I think Antman, MikeM33607, and Sip even walked to the other side!  I had a few blisters in full bloom, so I stayed on the boat and enjoyed the incredible view.

Photo courtesy of MikeM33607

Photo courtesy of MikeM33607
The far side of Phi-Phi Lei

People began making their way back to the boat.  Soon, everyone was aboard and we were on our way.  The next stop was a little place on the south side of the island.  There was a little channel there, and they said it was a good place to do some snorkeling.  It must have been a great place because it was absolutely packed with tour boats.

All snorkeled up and ready to go!

We all snorkeled up, and climbed into the water.  The water was quite warm for being left out all night.  The snorkeling was okay, but there was a little bit of a current in the channel.  If one wasn't paying attention, they could end up a long way from the boat, and have to swim against the current to get back.  It wasn't too difficult but if you're an old guy (like me) and this is the first time you've been swimming in 25 years (like me), it's a better idea to keep an eye on the boat and not get carried too far away.

When we climbed back on the boat, Antman broke out the sunscreen and smeared some all over his face.  When he asked how he looked, I said he looked like a scene out of a gay porn video.  But that didn't stop he and MikeM33607 from putting on a generous layer of sunscreen.  I usually tan pretty quickly so I passed.  Besides, I didn't want any of those gay porn comments coming back in my direction.

Next stop was a hidden lagoon for a little swim.

The hidden lagoon

Everyone made it back to the boat, and we headed over to Viking Cave on the east side of the island.  It's hard to believe Vikings visited this cave, but that's what they told us.  They also told us this is one of the more popular places where bird nests for Bird Nest Soup are harvested.  If one looked closely as we sped past the cave, they could see the scaffolds inside the cave that harvesters climb to reach the bird nests. 

Viking Cave

Next stop was Monkey Beach on the island of Phi-Phi Don.  There's a family of monkeys that live near the beach, and will sometimes come down and swim in the water.  There was a French backpacking couple trying to climb the rocks on Monkey Beach but just before we got there, monkeys came out and chased the backpackers away from their stuff.  The tour guide tossed some bananas into the surf which did a pretty good job of luring the monkeys away from the backpacker's, but that just sent the Frenchie broad off the deep end.  She ran out into the surf to yell at the tour guide and blame him for the monkey's behavior.  If I had a few bananas I would have tried to bean the b.itch.

Those two are not the smartest monkeys on the beach

Throughout the day, the tour guide had been passing out soft drinks, water, and snacks which did a good job of keeping the growlies away and keeping us hydrated.  The tour also included lunch on Phi-Phi Don, and that would be our next stop.

Photo courtesy of MikeM33607

The lunch was delicious, plentiful, and really hit the spot.  In addition to enough time to enjoy our lunch, we also hand enough time to explore the area nearby.

We soon piled on the boat and headed out to sea for more snorkeling.  While the rest of our tourmates snorkeled, Sip and I help the tour guide attract fish to the area by throwing pieces of bread into the water.  Antman swam by so we felt it was duty to pepper his head with bread bombs.  If nothing else, he got an up close look at the fish.

Antman snorkeling in the deep blue sea

The last stop on the tour was a small island in the middle of nowhere.  The island had some vendors offering umbrella shaded beach chairs, and some selling ice cream.  Antman, MikeM33607, Sip and I got comfortable on some beach chairs, as our tour guide offered us snacks from a cooler full of pineapple and watermelon.  There were a few other boats also on the island, but it wasn't very crowded.  Sip went off to collect shells, and the rest of us were able to get a few winks before it was time to leave.

We got back to the Thara Patong around 5 PM.  Sip wanted to go to her room to see her dog, and to get some things for Pattaya.  She said she would meet us at her friend's bar on Soi Easy later that evening.  No problem for me; my plan is to go back to the Rock Hard, finally barfine Om for me, and Big Red for Antman.

With alibis firmly established, we're off.

I have been blessed with the most amazing luck when in Thailand, but that luck stops short of any plans we might come up with.  Plans  seems to go toes up as soon as we invoke them.

We get to the Rock Hard too early for the dancers, but that's not a problem for us as we can sit outside and have a quick bite to eat.

It was nice to see my favorite server girl again, but she didn't recognize me.  Today was her birthday.  I presented her with a 100 baht note in honor of her birthday, and received a look of shock and a quickly composed wai in return.  Not trusting her pockets to keep the note, she discretely hid it in her bra.

About that time Om walked into the bar giving a little wave in my direction.  I jumped out of my seat and followed Om into the go-go.

"Today you give me massage?" I asked as I handed the barfine to her.  Om held the barfine between tightly pressed hands as she gave me a wai, and then a hug and a sniff.  I told her to go pay bar, and I would be waiting outside.

I'm pretty sure Antman wasn't too happy about me barfining Om.  But I told him I was going to do it days in advance (maybe even before I introduced Om to him), and anyway, the plan called for me setting him up with Big Red.  Who could be angry about that?

Antman and I have been discussing the virtues of spending a little time with the "high octane" girls.  He seemed genuinely interested it the idea, but was maybe just a little afraid.  No doubt the girls he consorts with are like the girls he ends up with back home.  But I suggested if he wanted to build his confidence, he should go for a superstar or two.  After all, the chances are pretty good that they'll say yes in Thailand.

Om sat down, beaming in my direction.  Antman was trying to engage her in a little conversation, but Om was being very polite and reserved toward him.

In walks Big Red.  We flirted a little last night, but she wouldn't join our little party because I belonged to Sip.

I gave Big Red about 10 minutes to suit up and went looking for her.  Ah, there she was.  What a girl!  As I was walking towards her, I wished I had seen her before Sip.  Considering Big Red was staying away from me because of Sip and that Sip and I struck a good deal, I figured there was no way to change horses now.  Too bad, Big Red was quite a girl...

I walked up, said hello, and received a wai in return.  I told her my friend (Antman) liked her too much and would like to meet her.  She said she could come over and talk, but a man from last night barfined her for the rest of the week. 

Damn, damn, damn.  Antman, welcome to the world of stunners.  If one doesn't strike when they have a chance, they have to take a number.

The plan goes toes up and I'm in deep; I barfined Sip who is an x-rated movie and I'm ready for a few more scenes, and I've barfined Om who is a sweet girl and gives a good massage but doesn't promise much between the sheets.

Maybe it's better to cut my losses.

Hiding in the doorway so Om can see me but Antman can't, I motioned for Om to come over.  I said "Om sister me" and maybe she liked Antman better.  She said she like me better (of course) but she go with Antman if I want her to.  I told her that Antman liked her very much, and with that she nodded and walked off in Antman's direction.

Cool; not a bad save for all concerned, except maybe Om.

After a heartbeat or two, I went back to the table and said I would be back in ha naw tee.  I scooted down to the Soi Easy bar, but Sip wasn't there.  The owner said she would be there in 5 minutes.  Being unable to tell the gentlereader the countless forevers I have waited thinking it would be only 5 minutes, I told the owner to send Sip to the Rock Hard and I ran back.

As soon as I was visible from their seats, Om shot up out of her seat and ran over to me.  She grabbed my arm to pull me down to her and said, "I no wan go wit Antman.  He bad man.  He no pay me good."

What da fuc???  Antman had been making the classic newbie mistake of paying anything in a skirt way too much.  What the hell happened?  Even Plan B went toes up.  I'm starting to hate plans; why bother, they never seem to work out in Thailand.

Knowing she can't possibly be there yet, I told Om to go inside and look for Sip. 

Sitting down with Antman, I asked him what happened.  Antman said, "I'm going through a lot of money pretty fast here, so I decided to pay the girls what you and MikeM33607 pay."

"But, dude, you've already set the bar so she expecting you to pay the same amount every time.  She's pretty pissed at you right now."


"Ching-ching!  Run in there and find her and tell her you were confused and made a mistake."  Sheesh, I don't want her crying again...

"I don't know...  If she's pissed, maybe she doesn't want me anymore..."

Dude, of course she doesn't want you!  What are you thinking!!  She wants your money!  Now get in there and give her some!!  What the hell are you working for?"

Me and fricken Cupid; what we don't do for love.

Antman is gone in a flash -- Just in time for Sip to walk up.  I guess things might work out after all.

MikeM33607 saw some flyers for Flash ago-go and wanted to check it out, so we all head off; me and Sip, Antman and Om, and MikeM33607.

Flash wasn't too hard to find; it's down at the end of one of those bar beer sois, and on the second floor.  As soon as we walked in, I was overwhelmed with the smell of mothballs.  There were 6 or 7 young Thai guys playfully punching each other at the bar.  I was starting to wonder if this was one of those rip-off bars.

Flash was dead. They had one or two good looking girls, but they spent most of their time looking in the mirrors fixing their makeup.  I guess no one told the dancers about the importance of making eye contact with the customers.  MikeM33607 and I tried to get a little excitement started, but it just wasn't possible; not in that bar.  After one round, it was time to move on.

We went up and down a few sois, but didn't find anything interesting.  MikeM33607 remembered a girl on Soi Easy, so that was our next stop.  Antman, the girls, and I got comfortable at Sip's friend's bar as MikeM33607 sharked the soi looking for that girl he remembered.  Sip's friend, the owner, must have smelled fresh blood because she broke out the Connect 4 and made a bee line for Antman.

Antman and Om are playing Connect 4 with the owner, and Sip is having fun talking with her friends so MikeM33607 and I decided to hit a few bars.  He was still on the hunt, and I just like to keep moving and see what's out there.

At the far end of Bangla Road (from Beach Road) is a sad little bar beer complex called the Tiger Den (or something like that).  As we entered the soi I saw a very attractive girl sitting at the first bar beer and pointed her out to MikeM33607, but he wasn't interested.  I wanted to stop, but there wasn't anyone that MikeM33607 was interested in so we kept walking.  We walked to the end of the soi, and although we may have stopped here or there to flirt with a few girls, MikeM33607 didn't find a reason to pull up a stool.  There's a stairway at the front of the complex that leads to a disco and MikeM33607 wanted to check that out, so we headed out to the front again.  That gave me a chance to flirt with that attractive girl for a moment at the first bar beer again.

We climbed the stairs to the upper beer bar area, but it was pretty dead.  MikeM33607 and I went to the disco and it was open, and pretty loud.  The bouncers were stopping anyone of color and frisking them at the entrance, but they waved us past the security checkpoint.  MikeM33607 was eager to conduct his hunt in the disco, but I stuck my nose in and decided pretty quickly that I would rather spend a few moments with that attractive girl on the ground floor.  I said I was going back to that bar, and MikeM33607 said he would grab me on his way out.

I skipped down there, and found she was still alone.  Good for me!  I asked if I could join her, and offered to buy Fon a ladydrink.  Fon asked if she could have orange juice and I said, "Of course."  But they brought her some ladydrink orange drink instead, and Fon was unhappy about that.  She asked if I would order orange juice for her so she could get the juice instead of the drink, and I did.

Fon lived in Bangkok.  She worked in a bank during the week, and came to Phuket on the weekends to make more money.  Fon spoke English very well, and was quite ladylike -- as opposed to many bargirls I've met.  She obviously was targeting newbies as the prices she was asking were pretty steep; 2000 ST / 4000 LT.  I choose to believe I could have gotten the price down and I would have loved to take her for a spin but I did have Sip waiting for me, and I didn't think I could get away with it.  Actually, I think I could have but I didn't want to take a chance it might sour Sip.

MikeM33607 joined us for a round, but he was eager to start looking again.  We said goodbye to Fon and went back to Soi Easy.  MikeM33607 wanted to have a look for that mystery girl again, so we split up at Soi Easy.  Antman was long gone from Sip's friend's bar, but Sip was patiently awaiting my return.

Sip asked me if I had a massage and when I told her I hadn't, she started to sell me on the idea I should barfine Apple.  Apple is a girl that was new to the business and, according to Sip, hadn't been barfined before.  When I asked if Apple gave a good massage, Apple ran behind me to give some free samples.  I don't remember that Apple gave a particularly good massage, but I prolly thought that would be the best I could get at this late hour.  So Sip and I barfined Apple.

When we hit Bangla Road, Sip said something to Apple and Apple quickly grabbed my hand.  It was quite nice to walk back to the hotel holding the hands of these two attractive girls.  And that earned me more than a couple dirty looks from farang women we passed.

When we got back to the hotel, Apple waited quietly in the room (without turning on the TV!) while Sip gave me a bath.  After the bath, Sip kept me company in bed while Apple took a shower.  When Apple finally joined us, Sip watched as Apple massaged.  When the massage was over, Sip asked me if Apple could have sex with me.  Well, hell...  If they're going to insist...

Apple wasn't a virgin, but she was indeed new to the business.  Sip's plan was to teach Apple the ropes, with me as the teacher's assistant.  Sip was a hell of a girl, and quite a good teacher.  I enjoyed my roll as guinea pig, and enjoyed experiencing the progress Apple made that night.

This is going to be another long night with not much sleep.

Ain't this the life?



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This page was last updated on 29 August, 2004
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