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 No Party Too Far 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

Part 14

Part 15

Part 16

Part 17

Epilogue

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No Party Too Far -- Part 4

No Party Too Far -- Part 4

Never fail to be polite;
Never outstay your welcome.

Just keep your mind open,
And suck in the experience.
And if it hurts,
It's probably worth it.

Som said she wanted to stay with me today, but when she heard we were going to Wat Saket she declined because her clothes did not cover her shoulders.  She said she would dress better tonight so if I barfined her she could go with us to a temple tomorrow.  Not a problem; some baht in her purse, a pat on her tush, and she's out the door.

MikeM33607 had to go to work today.  That meant Antman and I would be on our own for a few days.  Last year, MikeM33607 and I had visited the Golden Mount at Wat Saket so I thought this would be a good time to take Antman there.

Because we got a late start on the day, we were grabbed on our way out of the Nana Hotel by the Golden Bar Beer girls.  At first they wanted us to barfine them, but their attitude changed when they heard we were on our way to Wat Saket.  They were always very interested in the blessings that the monks would tie around our wrists, and the girls seemed very respectful that we were going to the temple.  Then again maybe they didn't want to climb those steps...  More likely they wanted a quick ST and understood we weren't in the market for that at the moment.  As everyone was wishing us a good day, Song grabbed my arm hard and asked if I would light a candle for her at the temple.  Telling her I would light two got me an enthusiastic hug and a sniff.  Am I a shameless pak wan, or what?

Antman and I finally made it to the street, and the girls continued to wave good-bye until we got in a taxi and pulled away.  The driver nodded that he understood we wanted to go to Wat Saket, and since I had my Groovy map in my pocket, I was confident we could get there.  Even though I've been there five times or so, I don't think a taxi has ever dropped me in the same place twice.  This driver left me the farthest away from the Mount, but I could see the Mount so I didn't have a worry we would get lost.

It was prolly a five minute walk to the bottom of the Mount, but we dawdled so the walk took a little longer.  Also, there must be some festival going on (Loy Krathong?) as there were all sorts of stalls set up along the walk.  There were food stalls, stalls selling household goods, a strange kind of "kissing booth," and even some small amusement rides.  There were a few Thais here and there preparing the stalls for the crush of people to come, but Antman and I were the only ones there at the moment.

There is a shrine at the start of one of the paths to the top of the Mount, and Antman and I stopped to have a look.  One of the monks came out and greeted us with a big smile.  It always amazes me that some Thais can walk around with a smile on their face but when they greet you, they are able to intensify their smile.  I nodded my respects, and the monk spread one arm to usher us in.  With respect for the shrine, we stayed on the outskirts and I quietly explained to Antman what little I understood about the process of making merit.  

As I was explaining things, I noticed that one of the Buddhas had shaker cups.  Cool!  We could get our fortunes!  I dropped some baht into the collection box and explained the process to Antman, but he just refused to believe that a stick would work its way out of the cup if shaken.  I had to laugh; when Antman said it was impossible, I said anything was possible with Buddha's help.  I grabbed a cup and started shaking, and sure enough a fortune stick worked its way out of the cup.  Antman grabbed the cup out of my hands and started shaking it.  His eyes grew big as a fortune stick started to works its way up.  By the time the stick was ready to fall from the cup, Antman's eyes were ready to pop out of his head!

We noted our fortunes' numbers and went to the fortune rack where we looked for fortunes.  As usual, my fortune did not tell of great things to come so as it was explained to me to do, I left it in the temple.  Antman's fortune, on the other hand, was pretty good.  He was going to leave it behind, but I suggested he take it and show it to some of the girls; maybe they could explain it to him.  At least he could get some mileage out of it that way.

Now that Antman's bright future was secured, it was time to start climbing the stairs.  It would be nice if there were an escalator or something to whisk us farangs to the top of the Mount, but there isn't.  If one wants to appreciate the view from the top, they must earn it the old fashioned way.  What the hell, it was only 90+ degrees and 90+ percent humidity up the 318 or so steps...  Damn!  Half-way up I remembered I wanted to count them.  Since we were half-way up, Antman suggested we could count the rest of the steps and multiply by two.  As I stared at him in disbelief, I wondered if I really needed to explain that we weren't exactly half-way up but merely somewhere in the middle.  To hell with it, it's too hot for that...  But some day I would indeed like to count the steps.

If the gentlereader hasn't visited the Golden Mount, I hope my mention of the heat and steps doesn't discourage you.  I do think it's worth the trip.  And if you remember to count the steps, please let me know how many you counted.

When we got to the top, we entered the Mount and had a look around.  They have a small glass case filled with postcards and booklets, and Antman found a postcard he wanted to send.  Unfortunately, they told Antman some fantastical story about why they couldn't sell him a postcard.  Not willing to take no for an answer, Antman started asking questions to see if he could figure out a workaround.  I finally told him they had forgotten the key to unlock the case this morning.

"Then why don't they just say that?"

"Maybe they don't want to lose face.  Mai phen rai..."

"Why do you always say that?"

"TIT..."

"Hey!  You always say that too!!"

"Dude, if you ask for something and they don't bring it to you, just let it go.  You'll enjoy your life more."

"But I want to send it to my mother (Ant Mom)."

"There are other postcards shops..."

"But I want to send that one!"

"I'm sure you'll see that one a dozen times before this trip is over.  Don't worry about it, and enjoy the view.  You'll get a chance to send the postcard to Ant Mom; I promise"

"Hey!  Don't call her that!!  She's my mom!!!"

We spent quiet a bit of time on the top of the Golden Mount enjoying the view and the breeze.

Antman mentioned Ant Mom wanted a jade elephant as a souvenir of Antman's first trip to Thailand.  Thus began The Great Jade Elephant Hunt.  We had walked down from the top of the Mount to a place on XXXX Road where tuk-tuk drivers take their lunch break.  Of course being the friendly guy he is, Antman had to ask each and every tuk-tuk driver if they knew where to buy jade elephants.  I wish I had the words to describe the look on tuk-tuk drivers' faces when they hear "I want to buy" and "jade" in the same sentence.  Orgasmic?  I thought a fight would break out with the drivers falling over each other trying to get Antman into their tuk-tuks.  I just shook my head in disbelief, turned around, and started to walk away.

"Let's go, dude." I said over my shoulder as I was walking away.

"Wait a minute!  I think these guys know where to take us!!"

"I'll bet they do...  I'll bet they do..."

One of my Thailand rules is never get into a stopped taxi or tuk-tuk.  I'm one of those guys that believe if a taxi or tuk-tuk driver ain't driving, he's prolly up to no good.

Across the klong from the Golden Mount, there is a plaza with some interesting buildings and statues.

We spent a while wondering around having a look at things.  I noticed a late-middle aged, slightly overweight Thai man lurking in the shadows, but slowly working his way in our direction.  I called out to Antman to hit the road, and Antman started walking toward the street.  I turned to also walk toward the street and only turned my back on Antman for two or three minutes, but that was long enough for the Thai to catch up with Antman and engage him in a conversation.  Damn, damn, damn...  I wonder how long this is going to take...

It was broad daylight in the middle of the plaza, so I didn't think Antman was going to get mugged.  I figured this was the scam du jour.  I found a comfortable place to sit while I enjoyed a cold bottle of water, and watched the traffic go by.  Another one of my Thailand rules is that if someone comes up to me and strikes up a conversation, chances are they're up to no good.  Oh I'm sure there are exceptions, but the odds are...

Okay... I enjoyed my frosty cold bottle of water and even had a Clif Bar, but now I'm getting tired of waiting in the sun.  What ever was going on over there it must have been pretty interesting because Antman was taking notes.

"Hey, Antman.  Let's go!

"Wait a minute!  I'm getting some good information!!"

"Okay, you can tell me about it later.  We can meet at the hotel."

That got him motivated to cut it short.  It really was funny to watch; Antman was turning to leave, but the tout didn't want to stop.  The tout must have figured he had a live one.

Antman started to share his fantastical stories the moment he joined me.

"Jai, remember that Loy Kratong thing when all the girls dressed up?"

"Let's get in the shade"

"Well, today's a holiday too!  The Thai government passed out some special coupons to all the tuk-tuk drivers so we can ride a tuk-tuk all day for only 20 baht!!"

"Tuk-tuks don't have air conditioning.  How about I pay  you 20 baht and I'll pay for all the taxis if we can just forget about it.  Okay?"

"Jai, you don't understand.  There are some special temples around here and the tuk-tuk will take us to each one!"

"Dude, forget about it.  Let's grab a taxi and get some cold drinks and snacks..."

As luck would have it, a tuk-tuk pulled up to Antman.  Over his shoulder he said as he scooted, "Hang on a minute.  I'm going to check this out."

Ay Carumba!  Lawdy take me now.  It's too hot for this...

After a short conversation with the tuk-tuk driver, Antman ran back to me and exclaimed, "Jai, it really is true.  I cleverly hid the special price that guy wrote on this paper, and the tuk-tuk driver new what it was.  So it must be true!!"

"Dude, the guy in the plaza is a crook, and this guy is his partner.  The tuk-tuk driver was watching you the whole time you were talking with the tout."

"No, it's a special holiday.  That's why all the girls were dressed up last night.  Jai, I think we should take the tuk-tuk."

"Dude, you take the tuk-tuk and tell me all about it at The Living Room tonight at 7 PM."

"Do you really think I should?"

"NO!!  I think you're about to become a statistic!"

"Then why did you tell me to go?"

"Come on, let's walk the other way and get a taxi."

Antman bade the tuk-tuk driver farewell, and we left together.  I felt relieved I didn't have to write a letter to Ant Mom explaining how her son was lost in the Big Mango...  At least today...

It wasn't hard to flag down a taxi.  I thought we needed to relax in a peaceful setting, so I asked the driver to take us to Jim Thompson's house.  Today must be my lucky day; not only did I not lose Antman to the touts, but the taxi driver knew were Jim Thompson's house was.

There something quite nice about spending the afternoon relaxing in the garden enjoying spring rolls and fresh squeezed lime juice.

When we caught our breath and had our fill, we took a stroll through the garden.

We visited a few souvenir stalls on our walk back to the National Stadium Skytrain station.  Antman would pick up green elephants and ask the stall keepers if they were jade.  I was absolutely astounded that none tried to take advantage of him.

We hopped the Skytrain to the Nana station, and stopped at World Coffee to check the forums and our email.  It looks like there's a good chance that a few people will meet tonight at The Living Room.

Having a few hours to kill, I wanted to get another one of those massages from Song.  Walking up to the GBB, I saw she was with another customer.  When she saw me, she lifted her fingers from the table to give me a little wave but she looked like she was taken.  Our usual table was free so Antman and I sat down.  Song watched us sit down, and ran over to take our order.  I asked her if that man was her customer, and she shook her head no.  Cool.  I told her to get herself a drink, and pay bar.  Another girl came over to keep Antman company, but I waved her off asking Song about his girl from yesterday.  She was eating a meal in the back, but Song would go get her.  I told Song to wait until the girl was done eating, but Song said business was more important than eating.  Yikes!!  I hope my boss doesn't hear that!

Antman pays bar too, and we pull out with a promise to meet in the lobby at 6:30 PM.

The idea of going to Phuket has really taken hold of Song, and she pulls out all the stops to convince me to take her along.  Song is a good girl, but she's not "The One."  I just don't see myself taking her to Phuket.

Luckily I set my alarm because we both fell asleep after the massage, and there's no way I would have awakened on my own.  Antman figured that we were averaging much less than 3 hours of sleep every day so far.  Although we were stoked on adrenalin, I think the lack of sleep was starting to creep up on us.

We passed a pharmacy on the way to TLR.  I wanted to buy some flavored condoms and Antman wanted to stock up on the magic blue vitamin, and in we went.  The pharmacy carried only those crazy big Viagra pills, so Antman cut them in quarters.  The pharmacist wasn't overjoyed to do so, but he suffered the task with a smile.  Antman thought that flavored condoms were the funniest thing he ever heard of; after all, the girls don't have taste buds down there.  Do they?

"Dude, you know all those girls I'm spending time with?  I have every expectation they're going to be b.lowing me silly."

"So?"

"So I think it's a lot nicer to stick a delicious strawberry or banana flavored condom in a girl's mouth instead of giving her a mouthful of Nonoxynol-9.  And some girls won't even do it with a Nonoxynol-9 condom.  They say it hurts their throat."

"You use a condom for oral sex"

"Fookin' A I do!  I'm not happy about it.  But I use 'em."

"Why?  You can't get anything from oral sex."

"Of course you can.  Who told you that?"

"I read it on the Internet."

"Dude, I think anything you can get bumpin' nasties you can get from oral.  It's a good idea to wear a jimmy hat any time you take your snake out of your pants."

The pharmacist slid Antman's little bag full of chopped Viagra across the counter, and we hit the road.  We talked a little more about condom use on the way, but I don't know how much of the message sunk in.

The gang was all there by the time we got to TLR; Burnout, Solohunter, Hammers11, and Gooner.  NYSaint stopped by with the cutest little ball and chain I ever did see.  I'm totally useless without food (some might argue I'm not useful with food) so I ordered a quick bite to eat while we were all drinking and getting ready for the crawl.

After a few beers and shotz, it was off to the bar beer complex across the street known as Sukhumvit Square.  The girls were great there.  We were eagerly greeted at each and every bar beer we passed.  Antman looked like his head was on a gimbal; either that, or it was ready to leave the rest of his body at any moment.  It was pretty tough to make it past the first few bar beers and on to Tubar, but somehow we did.

There is a legend that they have a full service hang nam there.  Maybe Hammers could fill us in, I recall he had to pay a visit and returned with a smile on his face.

Gooner spotted a shoeshine boy, and handed over his shoes.  Mine were looking a little scruffed, so they were next.  Gooner's shoes came back looking great.  Unfortunately, one of Bangkok's finest came along and the boy took a runner with my shoes.  I needn't have worried for they were back and looking better than ever in no time.  

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but somehow Gooner got the wet.  It might have had something to do with one of the girls jumping for joy and knocking into the table, but the end result was in addition to his shirt Gooner was wearing a couple bottles of beer.  The next thing I new he took his shirt off and handed it to one of the girls to dry.  Maybe a few of the guys thought Gooner was making a fashion statement and they started to remove their shirts as well.  Luckily, that was corrected quickly.

I'm pretty sure we all had a great time at Tubar, but it was only the warm-up bar for NEP.

We made it just in time for the show at Angelwitch.  The show was pretty good.  Not only did they have the normal SM and lesbian kind of stuff, they also had a few girls dancing in traditional dress to a popular Isaan song.  The dancing reminded me of some of the murals at the Grand Palace.  What could be better than that!!  A little culture in the go-go.  IMO, it's worth stopping by the Angelwitch show just for that part.

Up and down, and in and out we went from bar to bar.  It might be an exaggeration to say we drank in every bar, but not a big one.  Not only did we enjoy a drink in all those bars, most of us made contact with the natives and bought a few ladydrinks.  Of course we broke a few hearts when we left.  But we were on a mission...

At some point Burnout came up with the idea to go and play with the katoeys at Casanova.  I was not looking forward to that little expedition.  Antman on the other hand, had a little experience with the ladyboys of Hannover (although he swears they were real girls with uncommonly large clits), and thought anyone unwilling to visit was a homophobe.  I just couldn't see myself having the kind of fun at Casanova that I had in the last dozen bars we visited.  Should I go in there and buy some guy a ladydrink while he sits on my knee and tries to get me to barfine him?  Hmmm....

If there's some dead time, I can usually find something to do.  As Hammers, Gooner, Burnout, and Antman headed off for katoey heaven, I ordered a beer and set up the Palm and keyboard to work on my trip reports in one of the ground floor bar beers.  After typing a few paragraphs of what happened the previous evening, I started thinking I should barfine Som, the girl I ended up with last night.  She wasn't a dancer, but she really did move well -- even better when she was off her feet.  And there was something about her that was drawing me back for more.  So while the guys were in Casanova doing what ever guys do in there, I grabbed a taxi to Soi Cowboy.

Much has been reported on the forum about what happened to Antman in Casanova, and anything I could say about it would be only hearsay because I wasn't there to witness it.  But what I can say is the Antman that came out of Casanova was not the same Antman that went into Casanova.  I'm always amazed how one man's heaven can be another man's hell.

Because I wanted to get back to NEP and meet up with the group again, I went straight to Tilac and barfined Som.  I told her I was with some friends and we wanted to visit some bars at NEP, and that was okay with her.  We taxied back to NEP, and met up with the guys in Rainbow.  Aside from Antman looking a little shell-shocked, everyone was knee deep in fun.

Som and I found a seat in the bleachers with the guys, and ordered some drinks.  Som was fun to have around.  She would encourage some of the guys to go after the girls, and she had fun dancing.  When ever the mood would strike her, she would get up and start moving.  Som didn't dance like the rest of the girls, she would do these slow belly dance like movements that were a joy to watch.

We stayed in Rainbow for a few rounds, and then moved on.  It's possible we hit more bars in NEP, but I only remember ending up at Angels.

My recollection is Burnout, Hammers, and Gooner all took turns diving into the writhing scores of girls on the dance floor while Antman stood by and shook in his boots.  Som and I tried to get Antman interested in a couple girls, but he obviously burned his hand that evening and was afraid to go anywhere near the stove.

There was a cute girl sitting at a table nearby, but every time I tried to get her to join our little group she just lifted her nose and turned away.  Som picked up on that and went over to have a word with her.  After their little discussion, Antman ended up holding the girl's hand and they made goo-goo eyes at each other the rest of the evening.  I wonder what Som told her...

Hammers performed his famous magic trick of making a bottle of vodka appear out of thin air, and more serious drinking began.  Once he realized he was going to get luckly, Antman dragged his prey back to his room.  The rest of us stayed in the disco with Hammers, Gooner, and Burnout making periodic forays onto the dance floor.  Burnout caught a good one, maybe slightly Indian looking, and was off.

All I can add is that I had some great fun with the group.  All too soon they closed the club on us.  Hammers tried to store the rest of the vodka behind the bar, but they wouldn't have it.  The told him to take it and go.

I nudged Som to go up to the room, and saw Hammers and Gooner for the last time that evening weaving toward the Nana lobby holding the almost empty bottle of vodka.

Ain't this the life?

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Ommmmmm

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This page was last updated on 19 August, 2004
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