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 A Farang
For All Seasons 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Epilogue

 

A Farang
For All Seasons -- Part 1

A Farang For All Seasons -- Part 1
June 2004

Standard Disclaimer - Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  A few nicknames have been used and if you find your name in a report but don't care to be mentioned, just drop me a line and I'll change it.

~               ~               ~               ~               ~

This trip took place in late June 2004. Most of our visits to Thailand took place in high season when the weather is quite nice, but this trip in June had me a little worried.  I was worried because I thought it would piss down rain the entire time.  Most of our visit would be spent in bars, but having stayed in Jakarta a few times during the rainy season, I knew that just getting out and running across the street could be a real bitch.

That’s the nice thing about staying at the Nana; there’s so much action going on at the hotel that one really doesn’t have to leave if they don’t want to.

If I ever do go postal (or more accurately 'when'), it'll prolly be during that period of time between after the plane lands when everyone stands up, and they actually start moving.  Even though Antman and I were in Business Class, it took a surprisingly long time to get out of the damn plane when we landed in Tokyo.

Our flight from Tokyo to Bangkok was delayed, so we had a couple extra hours to waste at Narita.  Feeling a little parched, we looked for a bar to have a drink.

Antman noticed a can of Pocari Sweat in one of the vending machines in a terminal bar, and asked what it was.  I just couldn’t resist telling him, “Well, they get a bunch of Pocaries, put them on a little treadmill and...”  I wonder how much of that fantastical story he bought.

When sitting in the terminal bar got too boring and we couldn’t stand it anymore, we decided to go sit by our gate.  Unfortunately since our flight to Bangkok was delayed big time, there was no new gate assigned to our flight so we camped out at the old gate.  At least we weren’t in the terminal bar any longer.

As we sat at the gate, I could see Antman become more and more agitated.  So I asked him, “What’s wrong with you, dude?  It’s only a delay.  We should still arrive in Bangkok with enough time to have some fun.”

“Wifey (who seems to be Antman’s new girlfriend and everyone else’s ex-girlfriend) is going to meet us at the airport, and she’ll be waiting there for hours.  I gotta tell her we’re delayed.  I gotta send her an email.”

“Meet us at the airport?  I told you not to have any girls waiting for us at the airport.  What the hell are you thinking in your head?

“She said she wanted to do it.  What could I say?”

“You could have said ‘no.’  You could have said I wouldn’t allow it.  You could have said a lot of things, but now we have some cunt who sucks cock for rice money waiting for us at the airport who’s going to do nothing but slow us down.”  Okay, maybe I didn’t say it exactly like that, but that’s what I was thinking.

“Well, I gotta send her an email saying we’re going to be late.  I gotta find an Internet café here at the airport.

“Well, if you’re going to send an email, you might as well send one to Hammers and MikeM33607 too.  They’re expecting us.

“Okay,” Antman said as he hopped up out of his seat and was gone.

I’ll admit I was pretty frosted.  If there’s one time when I absolutely positively don’t want any bullshit, it’s on the mad dash from the plane to check-in at the hotel.  That’s the time to keep moving, and take no prisoners.  I’ve even bailed from taxis in the middle of Sukhumvit when things weren’t going right.  I can just picture it: I’m going to have Antman and Wifey holding hands making goo-goo eyes at each other, and skipping their way behind me as I make my way balls-out to the Nana.  The horror…  The horror…

As I sat there and sulked imagining all the different ways Wifey was going to slow me down, a stranger sat down across from me and started to ask me a few questions.

“Is it true the Marriott Hotel is 3 hours away from the airport?”

“Well, not the one on Sukhumvit.  You should be able to make it there in 15 minutes at the hour we’re landing.”

We talked a little more and it became obvious he wasn’t talking about Bangkok.  As it turned out, he was flying to the Philippines on business.  We had a laugh about that, and then he started asking questions about Bangkok.

He had never been to Bangkok before.  He was sure that he and his colleague would finish their work early, so maybe they could spend a couple days in the Big Mango.  I had an extra Groovy Bangkok Nightlife map in my pack, so I gave it to him marking the places to stay and the things to do.  He was all set for a pretty good time if he could make it.

And that’s about when Antman returned.

“So, Antman.  How’d it go with the email?”

“I decided to call her instead.”

“What about Hammers and MikeM?”

“What about them?”

“You were going to send them emails saying we’d be late.”

“Yeah, I decided to call her instead.”

“But what about Hammers and MikeM?”

“What about them?”

I thought for sure I was going to have a stroke any minute…

Our gate was announced so we collected our stuff and moved there.  I exchanged names with the stranger and promised to take him out on a stagger and show him around if he called me.  There’s always room for one more to join the party…

It wasn’t long after they announced our gate that they actually started boarding the plane.  I took that as a good sign.  Pilots have been known to make up a lot of time on the flight from Tokyo to Bangkok.  I figured it was because they were looking forward to a fun time too.  But drawing a female pilot this time, our fate was sealed…

As we held our Gold tickets and shuffled our way to the turnstiles, another stranger sidled up and asked what business I was in.  What a strange thing to ask while we were boarding the flight.  And as if it were any of his business…

“Monkey business.”

“No really, what do you do?”

“If I told you what I did, that guy right there (pointing to Antman) would have to kill you.”

“Really?”

“Ask him.”

Antman was quick enough to pipe in saying, “Yeah, it happens all the time.  There’s a trail of bodies from here to Zamboanga”

God bless him; every once in a while Antman comes through with a good one.

On the flight over, I reminded Antman to save his Boarding Pass because if the Passport Officer asked for it and he didn’t have it, there wasn’t anything I could do to help him.  He tried to argue that they never asked him for the Boarding Pass before, so they wouldn’t ask for it this time.  I just reiterated that if he got hung up with a Passport Officer there wasn’t anything I could do, so it’s better to be safe than sorry.

When our flight finally landed at Don Muang, Antman and I had our carry-ons and were standing at the exit door before the other Business Class passengers even got out of their seats.  We made it on the first bus to Passport Control, and climbed the steps two at a time as we entered the terminal.

We were shocked to see the number of passengers waiting in line at Passport Control.  I can’t recall ever seeing it so busy.  Refusing to accept defeat, I passed counter after counter hoping to find a shorter line.  As usual, it paid off.  We found a counter where only one person was ahead of us.

The lovely female Passport Officer took my passport and Visa Form, and then asked for my Boarding Pass.  I winked at Antman as I handed it over.  Antman got busy pawing through his pockets looking for his Boarding Pass.

The Passport Officer quickly stamped my passport, stapled the Exit Visa inside, and handed it all back to me.  I made my way to the stairs and lingered for a moment waiting for Antman to join me.  In no time at all we were hopping down the stairs and making our way to Customs.

I handed over my Customs Form and made my way to the exit.  Antman, on the other hand, decided to stop and have a conversation with the Customs Official.  I can’t believe this.  Luckily his conversation was short, because I was only giving him until the count to ten to join me.

We threw open the doors to the Arrival Lobby and marched in together.  But I noticed with every step we took Antman was falling farther and farther behind.  He finally stopped in the middle of the lobby, standing on his tippy-toes searching the crowd.  This sucks big time.

With a “Come on, dude. Let’s go!” I made my way to the lobby doors and on to the taxi kiosk.  By the time I made it to the kiosk, Antman and Wifey were exiting the Arrival Lobby, holding hands and making goo-goo eyes at each other.  I couldn’t believe it.

I told the girl in the kiosk that I wanted to go to the Nana Hotel, and she asked how many were in my party.  Because Antman was only 20 yards behind me and I expected him to catch up by the time I was getting into the taxi, I said, “Three.”

Some Thai guy standing next to me said, “Four.”

“Three.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

“No, four.  Look!”

Horror upon horrors…  Not only are Antman and Wifey holding hands making goo-goo eyes at each other and skipping their way to join me; the mother-in-law is marching behind them with a smile a mile wide on her face.

This seriously sucks.  I stood there gobsmacked for a moment watching the bizarre spectacle heading my way.  All I could think about was how horrible the taxi ride would be with those two lovebirds giggling at each other the whole way.

I quickly tossed my bag in the trunk and jumped in the front seat of the taxi.  It felt like forever waiting for the happy little family to figure out how to get in the back.

The driver pulled out of the airport quick enough, but we only made it as far as the first gas station before we stopped.  I hung my head and cried over my life gone terribly wrong as Antman and Wifey sat nose-to-nose in the back seat with idiotic grins on their faces.

When the driver finally came back, I greeted him with “Nana Hotel, leow leow krap.”  The mother-in-law picked up on that and instructed the driver to drive faster every few minutes for the rest of the trip.  God bless her…

We exited the expressway at Sukhumvit and turned up Soi 1.  That was a new way for me.  The driver drove for a while, and then turned in to Bumrangard Hospital.  I kidded Antman that he must feel like home (because of his previous visit to Bumrangard).  In no time at all we were on Soi 3 and headed for the Nana.

As we passed Morning/Night I could see that GoodGirl was there, but I was pretty sure she didn’t see me.  It’s hard to say if any of the other girls there saw me or not, so I figured I’d have to stop by that night.

Turning into the Nana parking lot, we had to squeeze by an elephant standing outside GBB.  The taxi pulled up to the front door, and I could see MikeM waiting for us in the lobby.  We were really late, and only a good friend would have waited for us that long.

I jumped out of the taxi, and rushed in to shake MikeM’s hand.  I apologized for being so late, and told him I would be right down in 7 minutes after the world’s fastest shit, shower, and shave.  MikeM was understanding and told us to take our time, but I didn’t want to waste any more time getting to the go-gos.

Antman and I met at the Reception counter, and I was surprised to be greeted by name.  Checking-in was quick, and I told Antman to meet us in the lobby in 7 minutes.  A bellboy grabbed my bag and we were off.

The bellboy wanted to make a big show of turning on all the televisions and lights in the room, but I handed him 20 baht and ushered him to the door.  The look on his face made me think he was expecting a bigger tip.  Normally, I would have given him 40, but it was my first night in town and I only had 20 baht and a stack of 1,000’s.

I learned later that Antman only had a 10-baht coin and tried to give that to the bellboy as a tip, but the bellboy refused it.  Life must be good for those guys.

As soon as the door was closed behind the busboy, I headed for the shower.  It felt good to be standing there relaxing in the torrent pouring from the shower, but over the sound of the splashing water I could hear the party going on in the street, and through the frosted glass in the windows I could see the different colors of neon calling me.

Getting out of the shower, I grabbed the phone in the bathroom and gave Antman’s room a call.  No answer.  After getting dressed I called his room again, but still no answer.  He’s either way ahead of me (hard to believe), or unavoidably detained.

MikeM was a good friend for waiting in the lobby for us as long as he did, and I felt bad about wasting any more of his time.  MikeM and I spent a few minutes waiting for Antman, and then I called Antman’s room one last time.  No answer again.  Well, the third time was the charm cutting us loose to enjoy the rest of the evening.

We left the lobby and chummed our way through the parking lot like schoolboys, stopping only for a moment to marvel at the elephant outside GBB.

MikeM had arrived a couple days before Antman and I, and had already BFed a girl or two from this bar and that.  So there were a couple bars he wanted to stay away from.  Luckily Angelwitch wasn’t one of them, and even though it was pretty crowded, we settled in for my first beer of the trip.

Angelwitch has been a traditional first-stop for a few years now.  We’re on friendly terms with the mamasan so there’s little trouble finding a seat no matter how crowed the bar is, the first beer comes fast and cold, and it doesn’t hurt to finally relax a little while the show is going on.

Still, we don’t usually stay in any one bar that first night for long.  There are a lot of bars out there, and we want to sample quite a few before they close their doors on us.  We did hit a few more bars, but with only 15 minutes until last call I felt I was obligated to pay my respects at Morning/Night.

Even though MikeM kept in touch with Pim from the last trip, they had a bit of a falling out, so he wasn’t excited about going back to Morning/Night. Instead, MikeM beat feet to collect a girl he had BFed from a different bar earlier that evening.

With as much fun as it is bouncing around Nana Plaza for a while, it’s equally fun to walk through all the street stalls on the short walk to Morning/Night.  Without a doubt we’ll be cursing them in a few days, but the first few hours is time to take delight in all the weird and wacky stuff going on.

This visit I got all the way to the top of the stairs before ‘Rock DJ’ started to play.  I guess the DJ is either slipping or wasn’t expecting me.  The truth is the only people that should have been expecting me were MikeM and Sip, but MikeM had let it slip to GoodGirl a day or two earlier that I was headed for town.  Knowing that, I wasn’t really surprised to see GoodGirl scanning the crowd for her ticket to Easy Street, or hear the familiar strains of ‘Rock DJ’ as I entered the bar.

After our quick hellos and as BG’s scurried to set up our table, GoodGirl asked, “Why you no hab lady?”

“I’m looking for a good girl!”

“You neber find good lady in bar.”

“Well, that's where I found you!”

It’s hard to describe the look on GoodGirl’s face after that comment.  Maybe a little amusement at my quick wit, flattery at my pak wanyishness, and perhaps topped with just a touch of embarrassment.

If there were any embarrassment, it didn’t seem to last long.

Hammers, Gooner, and PommieBruv were also supposed to be in town this week.  We kept an eye out for them but didn’t spot them that night.

Pim stopped by to say hello and collect a ladydrink.  She asked about MikeM, but I lied and said I didn’t know where he was.  After she finished her drink, she spent most of her time at a noodle stall across the street.  Maybe she was scanning the crowds of punters looking for MikeM.

When Morning/Night started to close shop, I made my way to the Nana lobby bar.  There’s a chance Hammers and gang would be there, and if not, it’s a good place to do a little hunting.

As I strode into the lobby, a cute little spinner sidled up and leaned into me with her shoulder.  Well, hello…  She was cute enough to be seriously considered, so I bought her a drink when we hit the Nana lobby bar.

The jet lag and my willing friend were getting the best of me, so I only lasted for round or two before it was up to the room.

The phone was ringing as we entered the room, and it was a bellhop wanting to bring up my welcoming fruit basket.  I couldn’t be bothered to wait for him, so the spinner was already topless and wearing only her panties with her clothes strewn around the room by the time he got there.  No problem…  I’m sure he’s seen worse before.  With a thank you and a couple baht across his palm, he was gone.

Now, where was I?  Ah, yes…  The spinner…

All things considered, not a bad way to end the first day.

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Ommmmmm

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